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What follows is a series of quotes from the Bible along with a brief commentary. For the skeptic, this will hopefully provide a needed humorous respite from the drudgery of reading the Bible. For the believer, more accustomed to listening to reverends rather than with irreverence, the road ahead will be a bit rocky. But, to paraphrase the New Testament, upon these rocks you have built your church.

Genesis 1: 26 "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness."

Just how many gods are there? Who are these other gods?

Amos 3: 6 "Shall there be evil in a city and the Lord hath not done it?" And: Lamentations 3: 38 "Out of the mouth of the most High proceedeth not evil and good?"

So much for God being all-good!.

Ezekiel 24: 9, 10 "This saith the Lord God; Woe to the bloody city! I will even make the pile for fire great. Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned."

There you have it! Hot and spicy barbecued humans! Yum Yum!

Micah 3: 2, 3 "Who hate the good and love the evil; who pluck off their skin from their bones; Who also eat the flesh of my people, and flay their skin from off them; and they break their bones, and chop them in pieces, as for the pot, and as flesh within the cauldron."

Here we see God encouraging cannibalism for his "chosen people." Being "chosen" is good? Ill pass thank you!

Ezekiel 4: 12 "The Lord commanded: And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight."

Ah yes, the Old Testament cookbook!

Malachi 2: 3 "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts."

can't we just send them to their rooms without dinner?

John 2: 1, 4 Jesus is talking to his mother: "Woman, what have I to do with thee?"

He seems to be rude to his family throughout the New Testament. Just where do these modern Christians get their exalted view of the family? We must be reading a different book.

Matthew 10: 34 "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I come not to send peace, but a sword."

Finally, a New Testament prophecy that has been fulfilled!

Luke 14: 26 "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple."

A perfect illustration of how a cult operates. Sort of makes you wonder about all these conservative religionists that preach "traditional family values!"

Exodus 21: 17 "He that curseth his father or his mother, shall surely be put to death."

Jesus excepted, of course!

Matthew 24: 19 "And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!"

Are you listening, all you good Catholics awaiting the "last days?"

John 15: 6 "If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch...and men cast them into the fire, and they are burned."

Ever wonder where the idea of burning witches came from?

Numbers 15: 32, 35 "And when the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the Sabbath day...And the Lord said unto Moses, The man shall surely be put to death."

Since ministers work on the Sabbath, are they subject to the same penalty?

Joshua 10: 13 "And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people (of Israel) had avenged themselves upon their enemies."

Everything stops while gods "chosen people" enact their revenge.

2 Kings 15: 16 "All the women therein that were with child he ripped up."

This little gem is the work of King Menahem of Israel. This compares rather interestingly with the stance of modern pro-lifers who contend that the fetus is a sacred thing. Their holy book sure doesn't think so!

Psalms 137: 9 "Happy shall he be that taken and dasheth the little ones against the stones."

Sure, kill off all the sinning little children of Babylon, and then insist that the Bible is a pro-life book!

Isaiah 13: 15, 16 "Every one that is found shall be thrust through; and every one that is joined unto them shall fall by the sword. Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled and their wives ravished."

Another example of the Bibles pro-life philosophy and of the demands of its loving god.

Proverbs 22: 6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

In other words, brainwash the poor kid with mindless dogma, and then shake your head in wonder at why Johnny still can't read.

Acts 20: 9, 10 "And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep; and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead. And Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him said, Trouble not yourselves; for his life is in him."

I thought Jesus was the only one who could raise the dead! Also, it seems that a long winded sermon had the same effect 2000 years ago as it does today! Maybe this is where the expression "bored to death" originated.

Exodus 19: 23 "And Moses said unto the Lord The people cannot come up to Mount Sinai: for thou chargedst us, saying, Set bounds about the mount, and sanctify it."

In other words, only Moses will have a pipeline to god, who tells him to create a theocracy, a privileged ruling class. All according to this invisible god who appears to Moses alone. We have only Moses word on what god wants. Everyone else must simply follow him. Thus, the foundations of the Bible, and of all subsequent Jewish and Christian history, rest upon the alleged revelations of one deranged "seer" who may not even have been an actual historical figure. Isn't this asking quite a lot to accept on faith? And isn't it quite convenient that there is no way of validating any of this?

Exodus 21: 6 Referring to a protesting slave, "His master shall bore his ear through with an aul."

More Old Testament tenderness. Incidentally, if the Bible is supposed to be a guide to morality, how come this passage is telling us how to treat a rebellious slave?

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